Football Daily | Child’s play for England with a 7-0 demolition job against Croatia

SEVEN UP Whether it’s relegation, the loss of a cup final or some other soul-crushing matchday disappointment, no televised capitulation of a football team is ever truly complete without the obligatory and intrusive post-match camera cutaway to a young fan sobbing uncontrollably in the stands. When England’s relentless humiliation of Croatia had finished on Saturday, the TV director was spoilt for choice. The vast majority of the 6,403 fans present at the behind-slightly-ajar-doors fixture were local children, admitted for free. Their “reward” for the previous misbehaviour of their more senior counterparts turned into what was almost certainly one of the more harrowing days of their young lives.

“It is difficult to find an explanation for such a performance without duels, fouls, aggressiveness, togetherness,” sobbed Luka Modric. “I’ve been here for 20 years, but for the first time I feel ashamed after a game. You can’t play football like that; we looked like we had four or five players less. Losing like this and squandering the reputation we’ve built over the years is unacceptable. It was a catastrophic night.” While Croatia were lacking in every single department, England excelled in all of theirs, prompting many observers to completely lose the run of themselves after seeing their brave boys expertly dismantle a team who have previously caused them so much pain, but on this occasion showed the kind of pride and fight you would normally expect to see from 11 training cones. Seeing such a merciless beatdown committed in front of the kind of high-pitched audience you’d expect to see at a Wiggles concert made for an exceptionally surreal day. We can but hope all who were present are safely tucked up in bed and fast asleep on Tuesday night for their team’s appointment with world champions Spain.

Some commentators have opined that England’s Adriatic-adjacent demolition job was their stand-out performance under Thomas Tuchel but Football Daily would respectfully argue that, given the stakes, the team’s bravura backs-to-the-wall victory over Mexico at the Geopolitics World Cup knocked it into a c0cked hat. However, it was a certain semi-final in Atlanta to which Tuchel alluded after seeing his team of thoroughbreds repeatedly canter past and through their Croatian cart-horse counterparts. “To win this dominant performance is the way to move on,” he parped. “We’ll always have a scar, feel pain, but this is the way to move forward.” In Tuchel, England fans are forced to trust and while the German’s eagerness to put the recent past behind him is understandable, for many the scar in question remains an open, suppurating sore. It will take more than this merciless pummelling of an ageing team so obviously in decline to complete the healing process.

While his attempts to rebuild bridges with frustrated England fans are commendable, Tuchel may want to steer clear of the rivers Bourne and Stour, as news that Alex Scott aggravated a thigh-knack he’d picked up before the game is unlikely to have endeared the German to those who live near either’s banks. The Bournemouth midfielder has now left the England squad and is expected to be sidelined for two months. “I’m very sad about it,” sighed Tuchel. “He trained in full before Croatia, did extra work after the training sessions, we knew he was in treatment but there were only green lights from him and the medics. Even before the scan he didn’t feel [knacked] so it’s a strange one. There was zero risk taken from our side.” It is not the first time in recent months Tuchel’s side has been so risk-averse at a significant cost.

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QUOTES OF THE DAY “I’m not going to the military” – South Korea’s Asian Games captain, Lee Gi-hyuk, proudly gloats about dodging compulsory service after their 1-0 win over Japan in the men’s final. The government offers an exemption for any athlete who wins a gold medal at the event …

“I got caught up in the happiness, adrenaline and excitement of the moment. I am deeply sorry to the fans who are currently fulfilling their military duty, as well as to all those who sincerely supported us. As an adult I should have thought carefully before speaking. I deeply regret having spoken so carelessly, and I will continue to reflect on my actions” – Lee subsequently apologises.

FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS While being both surprised and pleased by England’s performance and result in Croatia, there was another reason to be cheerful about the game. The opportunity was given to allow Croatian children to attend for free, in spite of the closed match status. To watch some of the kids still having a fantastic time, despite their team being 5-0, 6-0 and finally 7-0 down made me think that this policy should be copied at Tottenham Hotspur Stadium to improve the overall ambience in the ground when Spurs are home and most likely losing” – Nigel Sanders.

It’s often intriguing to find ‘unintended consequences’ that result from different actions. During the 0-7 (seven) shellacking, it was revealing to note that when playing to an audience of children, grown-up men’s teams refrain from corner kick wrestling and rolling around, play-acting. Might there be scope for extending such conditions to the Premier League?” – Michael Lloyd.

The NFL designated the Washington Commanders as the ‘home’ team in Sunday’s cash gra … er, game in London. In our friendly NFL pool, therefore, I picked the Colts because the home team never wins in Tottenham. Thanks NFL” – Michael Monroe.

If you have any, please send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s letter o’ the day goes to … Michael Monroe, who wins a copy of Games of My Life by Sir Alex Ferguson. It’s out now and available in The Guardian Bookshop alongside loads of other great football titles. Terms and conditions for our competitions, when we run them, are here.

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